May 10, 2015 – Mother’s Day

We told the children about the life and death of their biological mother yesterday. I think that merits a dedicated post which I will do in the near future. I am really happy with how we delivered the message and how the children received it. Tanja took Chloe on a clothes shopping trip yesterday which was some wonderful mother/daughter time and afforded Chloe the opportunity to ask some more questions. Anyway – more on this later…

Yesterday was a marvelous scorcher of a day. It rained in the morning but was hot and sunny for the rest of the day. I was Mr. Productive Man and knocked off every single thing on my Daddy Do list. For those of you that don’t know me, this was a huge accomplishment. But….The Person I Want to Be would get the stuff on his list done in a timely manner. I attribute a lot of that to not skipping the Miracle Morning. I’m becoming more and more aware of how that gives me time to set my intentions for the day.

I went for a quick 19km bike ride yesterday. I felt great – it amazes me how energized by the sun and heat I am. I’m sure that is normal however I think it affects me more than others. It makes me question my decision making skills. Why does a person that loves the heat live in a place where there is winter? WHY? Regardless, I felt like an extension of my bike. I love the way my SuperSix changes gears. Right now. I love the sound. I love the way the cassette reflects the sunlight. I love the way that when I’m admiring the way the cassette reflects the sunlight that I realize I should probably be looking at the road in front of me. I also bought myself some actual cycling clothes. This process of kitting myself and my bike out seems to never end J

I’m going to practice riding with an increased cadence for a while. I have a tendency to switch to higher gears quite quickly. The other day I was riding behind a guy on the road and I was really surprised how quickly he was pedalling which made me wonder why he was doing that. I realized that I should be aiming for 90ish RPM. I’m not sure where I am at but I would think it’s closer to 70. I tend to be of the Power Through Everything mindset which probably is a result of my years of lifting weights.

May 9, 2015 – Routine

I skipped the Miracle Morning yesterday and I noticed it throughout the day. I can see that I am coming to rely on the routine and I feel like it’s a great way to start your day with a win. Not doing it left me feeling quite ungrounded and anxious throughout the day. I’m sure the anxiety is related to the conversation we’re going to have with the girls on Sunday. Actually, I’m writing this at 3:55 am and I’ve been awake for an hour and a half.

I hit a record time on my way home on Friday. I was reading one of my favourite blogs at lunch and Jim inspired me to leave nothing on the table on the way home so I dropped the hammer. I usually push fairly hard but I took it up a notch and managed to shave 91 seconds off my best time. I also completed another milestone – I smashed the 50 minute mark. My heartrate was over 170 bpm for most of the way home. It was gloriously hot which energizes me like nothing else. My next goal is to consistently average over 40kph. I’m hoping that is something that is achievable this year. I still have 5 months of cycling in which to achieve it. So far this year, since March 16, I’ve gone ridden about 1600km which is well on my way to beating my target of 5000km.

I managed to get a lot done yesterday. I rode my hybrid bike about 35km throughout the day. Going to the gym, riding with my wife to school a few times, going to the bank. As time passes I hate having a car more and more. It’s such a money pit and is unrepresentative of the kind life I want to lead. Unfortunately our current locale makes at least one car a requirement but we are making a concerted effort to have only one car this summer. It’s a good motivator to ride my bike to work each day. Actually – I’m at 275km for the week so if I can manage to squeeze in a quick ride today I will be able to get over 300km for the week which I think would be my best week ever. Until next week J We’re going camping on the weekend for 1 night – which is my limit as I LOATHE camping. The campground is about 70km away so Tanja will drive the girls and I will ride. I have a 100ikm route planned which would be my first time riding that distance this year. Actually it will be only my second time doing that distance. I’m really looking forward to it.

As I was driving my hybrid Trek around town yesterday I was absolutely amazed at what a tank it is. My Cannondale weighs about 16.6 pounds and the Trek is about 24ish. The Trek is a decent hybrid bike and well suited for its purpose but the Cannondale is a freakin’ Ferrari. I was reading one of Jim’s posts about riding saddles and the man speaks the truth. The hybrid has a much more cloud-like seat. Not ridiculous by any means but nothing like the fi’zi:k saddle. Needless to say, the fi’zi:k saddle is in another world of comfort despite looking damn tiny and uncomfortable.

Chloe had her competitive cheer tryouts for the 2015 season. She was so upset with how things went. I thought they went great but she is so passionate about this that because it didn’t go exactly like she expected she assumes she blew it. Despite winning the MVP for year team 1 week ago! She has a tendency to look at situations where she has incomplete information or not enough context and then fill in the gaps with the worst possible things that could happen and then construct a scenario where the outcomes are bad. I was the same way as a kid. I think we talked her off the ledge and I’m sure she’ll be placed on the team she wants. She is a rock star when it comes to this stuff. Honestly, I’d much rather try to pep talk a kid that is super passionate then talk some sense into a kid that is apathetic.

Sunday is the day we sit down and have our very important conversation with the girls about their biological mother. I’m normally cool as a cucumber but as the time approaches I’m feeling a little wound up. Stay tuned…

May 7, 2015 – It’s Time

We decided that is it time to have a conversation with the girls about how their mother died. They have a certain level of understanding about how she died but they do not know that she committed suicide. One of the reasons is that we want to reassure the kids, mostly Chloe, that Tanja and I are not going to split up. They obviously remember that Cindy and I were separated at the time of her death. If Tanja and I even disagree with each other Chloe can worry that we’re going to separate as well.

I’ve talked to her about this before but because I didn’t feel like she was old enough I had to tailor the message in a way that is no longer good enough. What I’ve said in the past is that what happened to me and Mommy In Heaven will not happen with me and Mommy. I’ve asked her to trust me that we will tell her when the time is right. We’ve decided to tackle this by letting the kids take the lead on the conversation by asking questions and we’ll answer them honestly. That way they can consume the information in a manner that makes sense for them. The first question will obviously be, “Why did you in Mommy In Heaven split up”? This will lead to conversations about mental illness and bipolar disorder. I can’t see it being too much further into the conversation before we get to the Big Reveal.

I’m not worried about this conversation at all. I obviously don’t know exactly how it’s going to go but I’m very confident that Tanja and I will handle it just fine. This is just the start. We’ll talk about it for as long as they want or need to and we’ll always be available to talk about it from now on. We decided to have this conversation on Sunday – which also happens to be Mother’s Day. How loaded with symbolism is that?

On another note – I set a personal best on my ride home yesterday. 50:15. I was pumped about that!!! My big goal for this ride is to get into the 49’s. I actually would have done it yesterday save for some construction which slowed me down on the way home. It sure feels great when everything comes together on a ride. When I started doing this last year my times were around 1 hour and 10 minutes so that’s 20 minutes off. That’s a lot of miles on the bike (for me) and having a full carbon fiber bike don’t hurt either!

I am so into the Miracle Morning it’s unbelievable. I set the silent alarm on my FitBit for 4:30 am. Sometimes I’m awake and other times I’m not. Sometimes I wake up and think – ugh, I’m not into this today. But that thought is quickly replaced by, “The guy I want to be would get his ass up”. I’m also cognizant of the fact that this routine is working for me in a very powerful way and if I start skipping it now my progress will be put at risk. So why would I stop?